Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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