My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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