I just cut my nipple shaving
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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