I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
