Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Randomize
