Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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