Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
