I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize