I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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