real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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