I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
