Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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