***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
