3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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