Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
The best walk of shames are on the highway
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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