Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
