I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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