a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
