Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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