I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Randomize