I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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