I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He? As in you personified your dick?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The Olympian is in my bed
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
