can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
