I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
