dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
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