It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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