Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
