I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
