a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
