He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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