i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
