sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
