I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
