The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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