Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
