I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize