I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
