I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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