Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
