I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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