I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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