i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
