There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
