I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
