You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
