He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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