My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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