I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
