I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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