Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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