that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
