Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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