Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
