Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
