Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
