I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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