He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
